Maternal mental health - You're not alone

Having a baby is a big life event, and it's natural to ecperience a range of emotions during and after your pregnancy but it these emotions start to impact on how you live your daily life then you might be experiencing a mental health problem. It's estimated that 10-15% of new mothers are afected by mental health issues in some way, whether this be depression, anxiety, perinatal OCD, post partum depression or PTSD.

Approximately 33% of mothers who experience depression sumotoms during their pregnency will go on to have PND, with 25% of these mothers still suffering up to a year after birth. One piece of information I fouund staggering was that a massive 58% of new mothers with PND won't seek any help, which is often due to people not being made fully aware of the condition during their pregnancy, fearing what consequences pening up could bring.

More awareness needs to be made around this grey area during pregnancies, suffering isn't uncommon and women shouldn't be made to feel alone or like there'll be consequences for developing a condition they have no control over. Although it's important we're made aware of the symptoms so we can recognise if we're suffering, it's also important to know that the condition is distinct from 'baby blues' which is a short term drop in mood which about 80% of new mothers will experience and lasts about a week, PND is a long term condition which can last upwards of a year, affecting day-to-day life. Most health care professionals will consider you to be suffering with PND if you have 3 or more of the following symptoms:

· Low mood

· Constant exhaustion

· Inability to cope

· Feelings of guilt (because of not coping of feeling you don’t love your baby enough)

· Overwhelming anxiety

· Difficulty sleeping

· Lack of appetite

· Difficulty bonding with baby

· Relationship difficulties with partner

· Low energy

· Social withdrawal from family and friends

· Crying for no reason

Why don’t we get help?

Parents today have access to more information about raising children that any other generation before us. Yoy might think this is a good thing, however, it does come with it's downfalls, making you feel pressured into having to be the perfect parent all the time.

Opening up about your mental health and how you're feeling can be difficult when you're a new parent. Everyone around you is happy and excited about the new arrival so you feel you have to be happy too. There's a lot of ressure for new mums to be happy about the arrival of their new baby, when in reality, its a very daunting time, especially if youre a first time mum. There are pressures to fee like you have to be on top of everything all the time, all the laundry has to be done, you can't let the dishes pile up and you have to look "presentable" all the time, greasy mum buns and pyjamas are a no no.

We become worried that if we don't kep on top of all this then we will be judged and have it assumed that because you can't look after yourelf and your house, you can't look after a baby, We get worried that opening up about how we feel and admitting we're struggling will make us weak and bad parents, we worry that our babies will get taken away if we ask for help but it's important to ask for help, there's strength in admitting you can't cope. You'll often find that a lot of new mothers are feeling the same way.

"Perfection isn't good enough, good enought is good enough"

Why is it more common in today’s society?

Mental health issues seem to e a ot more common in thday's society than they have been with previous generations. This is largey due to people being more confident about speaking out about their suffering and better diagnostics baing available so earlier diagnosis is possible, however, it's also largely cintrubuted to by the pressures that come with mofern day society. One of these factors is the ever increasing use of social media, places where people share all their happy memories, posting their perfectly posed pictures making it all look east when in reality, it's hard! It makes new mums feel like they're failing because they can't bring themselves to go out and dp all the activities they're seeing everyone else do with theif chldren, but thats okay! The majority of us don't either.

Another reason, and one of the biggest I feel is the lack of community in today's socuety. Back in the days of our parents and grandparets upbringing there was a massive sense of community, no one was stuck in their phones ignoring the real world, you knew everyone everyine in your street and would all help each other, family or not, today we're lucjy if we know our closes neighbour. There is truth to the old saying "it takes a village to raise a child" but parent today are expected to be able to do everything on their own, which is a lot of pressure if you don't really know what you're doing. Even going back to my own childhood in the early 2000's I remember going off to sleep at my grandparents every friday night so my oarents could go out and enjoy themselves, which is something I would never expect from my own parent now. Everywhere you go there's that mindset of "you chose to have a baby, so you have to look after it", which is true, we did choose to have babies and we do lok afetr them but not even the most experienced parents can do everything without a helping hand.

You’re not alone

Suffering from a mental health problem, however big or small, can make you feel alone and isolated, like you're different and don't belong, especially if you're suffering in silence. This couldn't be further from the truth. I'd like to share with you a couple of stories I've recieved from mothers, mother's like us, who know what it's like to go through this suffering so those of you who are scared to open up know you're not alone and all of us here at together WE grow would give you our full support.

“I am a first time mum who has been diagnosed with postnatal depression and ptsd. At first I told no one, but now I realise it’s ok to not be ok. My induction failed after only dilating to 1cm. A c-section was a massive no no on my birthing plan, but sometimes you have to do what’s right for your baby and YOU.

Our daughter then spent 11 days in NICU.

First it was treatment for jaundice, then put onto oxygen as her sat levels were dropping, then her veins collapsed so a long line was put into her head, then we realised she had a hole in her lung so a chest drain was put into place to help relieve the pressure, and then they were treating her for sepsis.

I felt as though I had failed at giving birth, now I had failed at keeping my baby healthy and well. Where did it all go so wrong? I couldn’t feed her, hold her, or dress her. It felt like a never-ending nightmare. I put on a brave face. Smiled and nodded to everything the doctors were saying, telling them and the midwives I was fine when in fact I really wasn’t.

When in recovery I was placed in a ward with 5 other mums who had their babies. Don’t get me wrong I was so happy for them that they had their babies, but I didn’t have mine and it was torture. It wasn’t until a few days in that I finally broke down on the NICU ward and they realised I wasn’t coping. They instantly organised for me to have a private room. I didn’t even realise this was possible!

Thankfully our daughter survived and 2 weeks later we were allowed to go home! But now what? Although I’ve been a mum for two weeks, I don’t know what I’m doing! Our daughter was tube fed and breast feeding was hard. But I was determined to do it, as I had failed at everything else. I was also recovering from Sepsis and my op and was knackered! I never really rested. In the middle of the night my partner woke me to say our daughter was hungry and wanted feeding. I literally screamed back ‘just give her a bottle!’ I couldn’t do it anymore. The fight to get her to feed, to latch, and take enough milk was too much. Another thing I had failed at, I didn’t deserve to be a mum.

Looking back now, I know it was the best thing for her. She was 5lb 4oz when she come home, and it was so important she put weight on. I was so angry at the world and took it out on my partner. It wasn’t until a few months in we were sat on the sofa and I turned to him and said ‘I think I’ve got postnatal depression’ and his reply was ‘yeah I know’. We sat there and hugged and cried for a long time. It also made me realise this whole experience wasn’t just hard on me, he had been suffering too.

I suffered from anxiety, nightmares, anger, I isolated myself, didn’t reply to messages, stayed inside the house. It’s ok to not be ok, becoming a parent is so very hard. You can read as many books, goto antenatal classes, read articles online but every birth is different. They aren’t like what you see on the tv/ movies. Your body doesn’t snap back, sometimes that overwhelming feeling of love doesn’t come straight away either and things don’t always go to plan! But please remember you can ask for help, you are not a failure and you will get through this. Reach out to a friend, parents, partner, doctor, health visitor anyone ! Don’t suffer alone. You are amazing, you are strong, you deserve to be a mum! “

-Sammie Swabey

“I recently went to the hairdressers. I drank two cups of coffee before they went cold. I sat and scrolled aimlessly through my phone. I relaxed whilst having my hair washed. I was there 1 hour 30 minutes. That was enough.

Flynn was with my mum, the only person aside from medically trained professionals I’ll leave him with. I sent half a dozen texts for updates and mum sent me pe some pictures of him wandering around doing his own thing as usual, because she knows. Knows that I (yes me, not Flynn) get severe separation anxiety. I struggle to leave him alone for more than a coupe of hours and never overnight. I get fidgety, I can’t concentrate, my heart races and I get clammy. I check my phone constantly certain that something will be wrong. I catastrophize, I lose track of the conversation and what’s going on around me.

That’s the toll having a premature baby takes on your mental health. I blame myself for his early arrival, even thou I know it’s irrational. I don’t like letting him out of my sight, I left him every night for 6 months on various neonatal units and the guilt is still there. I relive the worst times at night in my dreams and wake certain he’s ill or worse. We watched him fight for his life on multiple occasions, be resuscitated, warned that he might not pull through. When he first came home I’d wake multiple times through the night the check his breathing or to listen to the monitor once he was in his own room. I’ll always go to him when he cries, because for the first 6 months I couldn’t.

I’m well aware that in time we’ll be separated for longer, starting with a few hours at nursery, then school. Over time I’m sure my fears, anxiety and guilt will reduce. For now I’ll keep him close, it’s my coping mechanism and keeps me sane, however, I’ll keep trying to take those 1.5 hours to myself and learn to enjoy “me time” again.”

-@preemiemama85

I’d like to finish this post with a poem, one wrote by a lady with 3 young children who I feel has summed up depression and mental health perfectly with her words:

Depression strips you of your pride, So bad that you feel dead inside, You want to tell someone, but you think they won’t care, So you carry this burden here and there.

Making excuses why you’re feeling this way, It gets harder and harder, more each day, The excuses grow old and you can’t fight it no more, You feel like you’re trapped behind a closed door.

Thinking your children will get taken away, Got to you more and more each day, Thinking they would be better off this way, So keeping it quiet was the way you stayed.

Feeling ungrateful to be blessed with three, But this feeling inside I knew it wasn’t me, I love my children and that’s all I knew, But only negative thought and feelings grew.

Until I finally couldn’t see the light, In the darkest hour, I cried through the night, I thought my family wouldn’t understand, But right by my side is where they stand.

See, I thought depression was a sign of weakness, But I wasn’t going to let this come between us, And I didn’t want to feel vulnerable like that, So I went to the doctors and had a good chat.

Then the diagnosis comes, and I felt a sigh of relief, Strong minded and strong willed, I felt the start of a new leaf, So here I today, sharing my story, And motherhood, in all of its glory.

-@momof3under1